Heather Mills and the Infernal Racket Radio Show

PARSLEY'S COMMLOCK
TV Review : Heather Mills:What Really Happened, C4 22/04/08
Heather Mills is amazing. From what I learned in this programme she actually managed to make me feel sorry for multi-millionaire Paul McCartney. A friend of hers reported that before they got married she described him as 'a man with bigger tits than me'.

This programme took a bizarre tone of being some kind of bemused intermediary between the Heather Mills and Paul McCartney media teams, but once you got over that there were enough gripping details to keep you equally glued to the screen and appalled by what you learned. Possibly I should also have felt ashamed for watching this sort of stuff, which I guess will almost certainly lead to more of the same.

We learned that Heather Mills was a model. At this point I can only express a personal opinion that she was trying so hard with make up and hair that somehow she managed to make herself look awful. Similarly in my opinion she looks much better now than she ever did 'then'.

A salesman from Stanmore had felt himself extremely lucky to marry her, and we experienced the full awfulness of him saying so on his wedding video. Heather was described as looking bored as he sprouted praise for her, although I felt she was just looking that same slightly strange look that a lot of people have on their wedding day. We then heard the lurid details of her phoning home from a ski trip to say she'd found a new man, then coming home to sell her husband's gift of a BMW for cash to continue with her plans.

A former 'friend' was on hand to state categorically that Heather had been a prostitute and involved in 'girlie-girlie' situations with the likes of Kerry Packer. 'Girlie-girlie' apparently refers to a situation where 2 girls indulge in sexual antics with each other as well as their 'client'. Kerry Packer was an Australian media mogul, who could very easily have been the basis for Barry Humphries 'Sir Les Paterson' character. As a result I was left with a very unpleasant mental image indeed.

The programme makers must have wet themselves when they found they had the rights to show Ms Mills' first 'audition' film as a 'glamour' model. In this film with no ado whatsoever she removes her clothes, and now we only need to see Paul McCartney topless to verify her statement about him. If she's right I confess I don't want to see.

Every advert break was excruciatingly preceded by the promise of more awfulness, which the documentary truly delivered on straight after the break.

Respect for Heather's charity work was decidedly 'feint'. She may not be a Geordie officially, but she has the accent. The joke goes that the way to refer to a Geordie in a suit is 'the accused'. The programme was certainly building up an impressive slate of accusations against her.

We saw the footage of Paul and Heather together as lovebirds. Despite knowing the disaster that was coming up, I found myself wishing their relationship would work out. I have no sympathy for either of them really. McCartney is an example of how money and genius can't make you happy, and I feel the need to retch when I think about Heather Mills. But seeing the positive emotion of people having fun, looking to a nice life together, and almost spurred on by the tirade of dreadfulness about Heather, I just wished the situation would have some redeeming aspect.

The programme dropped into McCartney obsession at this point, describing how difficult it was to find out about him, and then having a News Of The World journalist explain how McCartney had got angry with her, trying to stop her writing nasty things about Heather. It was fascinating to think of how Macca might have swung from using all his energy to defend his wife against the media, to wanting those same people to portray things in a supportive way for him against her.

The punchline was indeed worthy of its position in the film, as her allegedly 'abusing' father, who worked for the RSPCA but was subsequently jailed for fraud, and has had a stroke, mumbled his heartfelt words of support for his daughter. He held her up as an example of someone who stands up to the establishment and does her own thing. He apparently held this conviction despite the fact that she quotes him as abusing her and has refused to see him for many years.

This had been a documentary of 'car crash' gruesome-ness that I'm afraid had held my interest massively. Whilst feeling I wanted to write about it in a cathartic way, I can't say I'll be unhappy if I never see its like again.

Internet Radio Tip : The Infernal Racket show, Hayes FM, Online and Tuesdays 9-11 91.8FM
The first band I was ever in included a bass player who lived in Yeading Lane, and we played in the Brook House in Hayes. I subsequently learned that my father's family came from there many years ago. Anyway, Hayes' fame continues to grow courtesy of Hayes FM and this rather splendid indie show, which I'm hoping to appear on in the fullness of time… More info at myspace.com/infernalracketshow

parsley@gardenrecords.com [www.gardenrecords.com]