Lithuania, and Morrissey on Jonathan Ross

PARSLEY'S COMMLOCK
Country watch : Lithuania
Went the furthest I ever have into former Soviet Union countries with a weekend trip to Lithuania for a wedding. I arrived to a snowstorm which I was advised was not at all typical for this time of year. Of course they still seemed much better prepared for it than we in the UK would ever have been.

Having travelled straight from Hammersmith which has a 'Novotel' hotel and a Marks & Spencers, I was impressed to find a Novotel with a Marks & Spencers opposite in the centre of Vilnius. The main difference, aside from the snow, seemed to be elaborate impressive architecture. However, lots of the buildings and streets were brand new & in a contemporary style.

I read on the in flight magazine that a mushroom 'millionaire' has set up a Soviet-style theme park 120km out of town where you can experience what it was like in the Soviet times. I didn't have that long, so I resisted the temptation.

I arrived in time to share the first of 2 independence days. The first dates from 1920, and the second from more recent separation from the Soviet Union. I was in Vilnius, the capital, and for most of the time the city centre streets were deserted. As a Londoner this was a refreshing change for me.

Locally made food was extremely well done and quite interesting, such as mushroom soup served in a hollowed-out loaf of bread. They haven't got the Euro, and the exchange rate favours tourists. At 4.5 Litas to the pound (or 4 if you changed your money at Gatwick as I did) you get a restaurant dinner for the equivalent of £7.50, when in the UK it would have cost 50-100% more.

They are sitting in a different style zone to the rest of Europe: I got 3 pairs of shoes which didn't have the UK obligatory crap 'square' toe style. By default the Lithuanian facial expression seems to convey (in my opinion) an impression of hardened misery.

The wedding was amazing, as everyone stayed together all day, watching the groom take part in trials such as recognising his fiancée by her feet. The ceremony was in a very modern church, one of 40 in the city. Afterwards a further trial involved the groom carrying his new wife over a suspension bridge, followed by every other man carrying his female partner...

Most bizarre was the wedding itself where, as per tradition, the couple arrive to find uninvited guests already celebrating their wedding. In this alternate wedding the bride is played by a man, and the groom by a woman. There follows a sitcom worth of comparing wedding certificates, and ultimately inviting the new guests to join in the real celebration. I suggested to my Lithuanian friends that perhaps this 'show' dated from a time when there was no television in Lithuania.

They were quite proud of their vodka consumption. One wedding game involved six people all drinking a small glass of transparent liquid. A line of six standing opposite had to guess which of them had drunken vodka. I was pleased to see the wedding featured live music, which made all the difference. A traditional line-up featured accordion, recorder, what looked like a cello playing bass, and a guy playing a chest-mounted bass drum. A good time was had by all, and Lithuania was fixed in my mind as a quiet Norwegian-style place to spend a couple of days at a reasonable cost. I expect it's even nicer in better weather.

TV Review: Jonathan Ross with Britt Ekland and Morrissey 08/02/08
Some vivacious women seem to be associated with eccentric behaviour when they get old. Britt Ekland insisted on bringing her small dog to the Jonathan Ross show. The spectacle of the way she looked and behaved was made weirder by archive footage of her with Peter Sellers when she was a young Swede deciding to marry him. She had a 'look' that would not have been out of place today. It made me wonder how many pleasant girls will end up being as feisty and, frankly, frightening, as she is.

The reason I was looking at this show, which I'm afraid I find very disappointing after Ross's 'Last Resort' show on Channel 4, was to see Morrissey. Because of my age and eyebrows I get compared to him, although this is laughable as he has much better looks and grooming, and he maintains a presence that mere mortals like myself would struggle to keep up with.

Despite being flagged up as an 'appearance' on a chat show, he was squirming at the prospect of being spoken to - and rightly so with Ross's highly unfunny preoccupation with sex. After being asked if he'd ever done 'Stars In Their Eyes' and being reminded that Harry Hill had performed as him, Mozza did nothing but his song. This was a horrible tease for the fans. It did make me wonder how he would ever have managed with the PR chaos of Eurovision if he'd got the gig last year.

After he performed his rather good new song, with badly mixed backing drowning out his voice, Ross tried to engage him in conversation, and as he walked away Ross leapt on his back. It gave the phrase 'having a monkey on my back' a new complexion.

parsley@gardenrecords.com [www.gardenrecords.com]